Tuesday, October 24, 2006

Consultants

A cowboy was herding his herd in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure. Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his AT&T cell phone and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany< SPAN style=" ".

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with hundreds of complex formulas. He uploads all of this data via an email on his Blackberry, and after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the cowboy. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?" The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a consultant." says the cowboy.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required," answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew; to a question I never asked; and you don't know anything about my business. Now give me back my DOG."

Some time pass jokes.

This sardarji goes to see Jurassic Park and when the Dinosaurs start approaching, he was hiding under his seat when his friend asks him ;kyon sardarji, kya baat hai? Dar kyon lag raha hai cinema hi to hai.; Sardarji replies ;Aadmi hoon aur akkal hai, pata hai ki cinema hai, lekin voh to janwar hai, usko kya pata

There's a funeral procession of a sardar going on a busy street. All the sardars in the 'mayyat' are dancing the bhangra and singing and general 'balle balle' is on. The people on the street find it strange that instead of mourning everyone is celebrating as if its marriage baraat. So one of them asks Santa Singh, ;Singh Saab, aapka koi sage wala gujar gaya hai aur aap naach rahe ho?; .....comes the reply, ;Haan ji! Hai hi baat badi kushi ki!!! Aaj paheli baar ek sardar brain tumour se mara hai!!

A train suddenly deviated from the tracks and ran onto the nearby fields before returning on the tracks again. The passengers were horrified at this. At the
next railway station, the driver was caught and questioned. He was a sardar and explained that a man was standing on the tracks and he refused to budge.
The authorities asked him, "Sardarji, are you mad? Just to save one person, you put so many lives in danger. You should have overrun that person." The
sardar replied: "Exactly, that is what I was doing, but this idiot started running towards the field when the train came very close."

Santa with two red ears went to see his doctor. The doctor asked him what had happened to his ears. "I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang. Instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear."
"Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But...what happened to your other ear?"
"The scoundrel called again."

Talking about those days when there were no mosquito repellents and we had to spend sleepless nights. Sardarji was also experiencing the same every time. he tries to sleep,one mosquito comes and disturbs his sleep with a sound "guooonn, guooonn." He gets very irritated. He tries to cover his ear but the problem remains persistent. Ultimately he gets up and catches the mosquito in his hand. He is very kind and not for the blood shed but still wanted to take revenge. Happy as he is now starts singing a lullaby and says "so ja machchar, bete so ja". After some time he finds the mosquito falling into deep sleep in his hands. So he goes near it and says "Guoooonnnnn, guoooonnnnn."

A Bihari was waiting for his bus at the bus stop. Finally the bus arrives and he gets in. The bus is fully loaded with sardarjis. One sardarji orders Bihari to tell a joke. Now, the Bihari thinks he's in big trouble because he knows only sardar jokes! After thinking for some time he decides to substitute all references to 'sardars' in his joke with 'Biharis'. He starts the jokes with, "There was once a Bihari..." And suddenly he gets a major blow on his back from one of the sardarjis who shouts, "Kyon be! Sab sardar mar gaye hai kya?"

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

Another post on forgiving!!!

Forgiving or punishing the terrorists is left to God.
But, fixing their appointment with God is our responsibility
- Indian Army

Forgiving or punishing the Developer is left to Manager.
But, fixing their appointment with Manager is our responsibility
- Software Tester

This one is damn good..

Forgiving or punishing the Manager is left to Client.
But, fixing their appointment with Client is our responsibility
- Software Developer

Forgive them

The compiler throwed errors when I tried compiling the code.
I forgive the Assembly compiler.

The tea boy spilled coffee in my desk.
I forgive the tea boy.

Internet explorer said it had encountered an error and need to close.
I forgive MICROSOFT.

There is no cafe in my office.
I forgive my Boss.

There is no power.
I forgive BESCOM.



Now that I ride my PULSAR, I forgive them all. I feel like god !!!

(Inspired from BAJAJ AVENGER Ad)

Monday, October 16, 2006

Quite funny...

This guy walks into a bar on the top of a very tall building. He sits down, orders a huge beer, chugs it, walks over to the window, and jumps out. Five minutes later, the guy walks into the bar again, orders another huge beer, chugs it, walks over to the window, and jumps out again. Five minutes later, he re-appears and repeats the whole thing. About half an hour later, another guy at the bar stops the first guy and says, "hey, how the heck are you doing that?!" The first guy responds, "oh, it's really simple physics. When you chug the beer, it makes you all warm inside and since warm air rises, if you just hold your breath you become lighter than air and float down to the sidewalk." "WOW!" exclaims the second man, "I gotta try that!" So he orders a huge beer, chugs it, goes over to the window, jumps out, and splats on the sidewalk below. The bartender looks over to the first man and says, "Superman, you're an asshole when you're drunk.

I have a long way to go now !!!


I am going to die at 75. When are you? Click here to find out!




I am 22% loser. What about you? Click here to find out!

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

Woh Lamhe...

This post is all about my nostalgia. The things I would always remember in my life.

Days of mine, when I used to stay all alone in the house and would have to make my own coffee at the age of 10.

Days of mine, when I will be so sad that diwali is over, all crackers are done and I wud have to get back to skool the next day.

Days of mine, when I would prefer watch black & white TV at the neighbourhood house rather than watching a color TV at my house. This neighbour of mine needs a special mention here without whom I dont know how I would have managed myself at that age. I think I spent more time in their place than my home itself.

Days of mine, when I take commission for buying small household stuff and spend all those money for renting out bi-cycles.

Days of mine, When I spend all my vacation in paramakudi with my cousins and I miss my aunt so much when I go back to chennai.

Days of mine when I play the game of trade the entire day with my neighbourhood kids. Trust me. I was mad at this game and would even bunk school to play this game all alone. I play both the bank and the opponent. And Most of the time the bank would lend money from me at last. Heee heeee

The day I lost my maths note book and was crying in the school premises and there was this maths teacher who treated me like her son and helped me with the subject in the entire year.

Days of mine when I play cricket all the afternoons with my school friends. We broke so many car glasses and nearby house windows.

Days of mine, when I used to play video games munching out the sweets, my mom do.

The day when I got my 10th results and have come school first in maths. Quite a achievement dude. I dont know whether its really me then. I have changed so much now.

Days of mine I used to roam around with this guy all throughout chennai in his kinetic bike. Bloody I cudnt believe he avoided (I wud even say ditched) me for a gal. Ya. Fine. After all needs change with time. God bless you dude.

Days of mine when I was preparing for the engineering entrance examination and had my official first crush on this gal in dat class. It really was a gud feeling, even though it luks so unmatured at present. But ya thats wat is life. Past always looks immature.

The day, the results of the engineering entrance examination came and I was the second topper in the school.

The IIIT, Bangalore days of mine where we did our internship and bloody I will never forget this co-intern Mr. V who gave us a hectic time with his much of J2EE knowledge.

The college days of mine especially the final year, where I think I had less things to think about than now.

The TCS training days of mine. I dont know what I like in here. I liked that place so much, that I actually went to trivandrum some time back, just to see the place.

The initial bangalore days of mine, when we 7 friends were sharing a single flat. Damn, dat was so much of fun.

The days of mine, when I bunk office hours to meet my ex-gal friend and the hours of mine when I wud rush home, just to talk with her on fone.

The day when a gal from orkut said that "I am interesting". Trust me I really got a heart attack that day. LOL

and obviously Today, when I write this post and just run through my entire life for the last 20 odd years.

Afterall, My Life was fair. What do u think?

Monday, October 09, 2006

LOVE

It takes three things to nurture any relationship - Belief, Space and Expectations. Let me explain.

I once had a friend who grew to be very close to me. Once when we were sitting at the edge of a swimming pool, she filled the palm of her hand with some water and held it before me, and said this:
"You see this water carefully contained on my hand? It symbolizes Love."
This was how I saw it:
As long as you keep your hand caringly open and allow it to remain there, it will always be there. However, if you attempt to close your fingers round it and try to posses it, it will spill through the first cracks it finds. This is the greatest mistake that people do when they meet love...they try to posses it, they demand, they expect... and just like the water spilling out of your hand, love will retrieve from you . For love is meant to be free, you cannot change its nature. If there are people you love, allow them to be free beings.

Give and don't expect.

Advise, but don't order.

Ask, but never demand.

It might sound simple, but it is a lesson that may take a lifetime to truly practice. It is the secret to true love. To truly practice it, you must sincerely feel no expectations from those who you love, and yet an unconditional caring."
Passing thought... Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take; but by the moments that take our breath away..... Life is beautiful!!! Live it !!!

The date I had this saturday.

I cannot put names here. So lets keep it as person X. This person X is new to b'lore. Just joined a MNC in here and have come from hyderabad. Naturally I was the one helping around to settle down in here. You people know me. I am so helpful especially to people I like. :-) I helped in getting the luggages to our house and gave directions to the new service apartment, the company gave for a month.

After settling down, I thought I should help in getting around in this city. So we went around a couple of places in the morning and then had a very heavy lunch in a restaurant called ayyanar. This place is known for its Non-vegetaraian dishes. We had a nice biriyani and some yummy chicken. We went on a long ride in my bike, through some of the deserted roads of b'lore before reaching MG road.

We went around Garuda mall, checked out for any movies in INOX. Bloody, I cant find any movies available for that time. Donno how these tickets get sold in b'lore especially in weekends. We finally made our mind for a coffee at CCD. We were talking about career, movies, beggars-in-b'lore and some nice stuff. We were just walking back and forth of MG and Brigade road doing nothing basically. I felt I am just messing around by taking here and there without having any plans. I thought lets sit for a while somewhere and relax. Movie is the best thing to do. So we went to this tamizh movie. The movie is ulti crap. I can actually listen to HIMESH-RESHAMAIYA'S-OOOOOO-SOUND rather than watching this movie all three hours. Finally we had our dinner before we went to the service appartment.

Overall I think Person X and I go well together except for the fact that this person X is a guy. :-)

Thursday, October 05, 2006

My hindi skills

After being in b'lore for some 2 years now, my hindi has really picked up well I would say. It became quite evident from my recent visits to Mumbai and Delhi. Thanx to predictable-hindi-movies, now I can understand hindi to some extent but my speaking skills is equivalent to anna kournikov's tennis skills. :-)

When I am with my tamil friends, I crack jokes most of the time related to my hindi skills. And I picture myself as more of a north indian who is trying to forget tamizh language. No offense meant to anyone. Just for fun. And we friends were going to this movie called "Vettaiyadu - Villaiyadu" (hunt and play to translate it literally) some months back. And just when we were about to enter the hall I had asked these guys "Will they be putting HINDI subtitle for this (tamizh) movie?". They all gave me a ugly stare but all of them burst into laughter soon. LOL

I felt very lonely in MUmbai. Its very much of an unknown territory and with my hindi skills, I can hardly go anywhere. So I will have to wait every evening till my colleague finishes his work and comes back to the hotel with me. I really need to mention this security guard out there in my client office. This guy was the only one available for me to talk that time. We really had some nice talks. Poor me. Life can sometimes push people to edges. Couple of more days in that place, could have even turned me into a gay. LOL.

I met this taxi driver in Delhi. This guy runs a Pre-paid taxi in Delhi and is supposed to drive me from the airport to Connaught place where my hotel is. I told him the hotel name clearly and then slowly he started a conversation like this...

Driver: saab, hotel room booked hai kya?

Me: haaan, I did.

Driver: ohhh.. mujhe ek acha hotel maalum hai.. chaihiye hai kya?

Me: No man. I have already booked. mujhe boook kiya.. ho gaya.. (a little more consicious being in a unknown territory at 1am in nite) ho gaya..

Driver: teek hai..

(his soul rests in peace for some time and then he starts again)

Driver: yeh hotel aapne book kiya na.. woh karab haai.. mujhe acha hotel malum hain.. tho aap ne...

Me: bhai saab, understand... aapko english nahi aati hai.. Mujhe hindi nahi aati hai... I have already booked a hotel. woh hotel chale bhai saab...

Driver: some thing again in hindi..

I never replied now. After some time he started again.. and we talked like this till I reached my hotel.

Driver: some thing in hindi..

Me: Wasnt this himesh luk great with his cap?

Driver: hindi again..

Me: ya I wonder why he wears that cap though?... Is he bald?

.......

and so on

I was going around in Delhi with this gal. This kanjus gal can actually give a missed call to the fire department, when her house is in fire. And every time we get an auto, she will try to bargain for less. And once this auto wala asked for
'pachchees' and I was like "ok dude. 50 is fine." It was so embarassing when I later knew that he asked for only 25. Bloody why do they pronounce 25 and 50 almost the same way.

With that said, my hindi will continue to rock more soon....

Relationship

Quite a good example on relationship search:

There was a gurukul and the guru was taking a lesson for the day. Suddenly the guru called a student and said "Son, Go to the nearby garden, from one end to other. You will find a lot of coconut trees. Find the tallest coconut tree in the garden and let me know. But you should not turn back the way you came in, to get back to an earlier coconut tree. Once when you believe that, it is the tallest tree then you can come and inform me". As said the student went from one end to other of the garden to find out the tallest tree. As and when he finds a tall coconut tree, he thought why dont we try more and see if I find any other tree taller than this. On and on the student reached the end of the garden finally to end up with nothing. He returned to the guru and said I lost all the tall trees I had seen in the midway since I thought of trying out more.

Now, again the guru asked the student to do the same exercise with the same rules. This time the student (with prior experience), on spotting a tall tree didnt even want to take another chance, but quickly came to the guru and said he did find one in the middle of the garden.

Then the guru explained said "Son. The first time you had gone for a search for the tallest coconut tree can be compared to Search for love and the second was your Search for marriage".

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

Pics of MUMBAI and PUNE ghat sections














Mumbai Shehar














Cute Kid @ juhu beach














Nariman Point














Sea view - Quite expensive














The Rich and the poorer














The Western Ghats














Poor fellow - No leaves














Shivaji ka purana fort

Atif rocks...

I dont know. MUSIC does something to me and this song is too much for me to handle. I am just listening to this on and on now....

tere bin main yun kaise jiya
kaise jiya tere bin
tere bin main yun kaise jiya
kaise jiya tere bin
lekar yaad teri raaten meri kati - 2
mujhse baaten teri karti hai chaandani
tanha hai tujh bin raaten meri
din mere din ke jaise nahi
tanha badan tanha hai ruh nam meri aankhen rahe
aaja mere ab rubaru
jeena nahi bin tere
tere bin main yun kaise jiya
kaise jiya tere bin
tere bin main yun kaise jiya
kaise jiya tere bin

kabse aankhen meri raah mein tere bichhi - 2
bhule se hi kahi tu mil jaaye kabhi
bhule na mujhse baaten teri
bheegi hai har pal aankhen meri
kyun saans loon kyun main jiyu
jeena bura sa lage
kyun ho gaya tu bewafaaa mujhko bata de wajah
tere bin main yun kaise jiya
kaise jiya tere bin ...
tere bin main yun kaise jiya
kaise jiya tere bin ...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O-PdDS2Ijfw

'THE GAL' AND 'MY DELHI VISIT'

This post is about 'THE GAL' AND 'MY DELHI VISIT'. Ok ok. I accept. Both are same. I knew her for some time now and thought of giving her a surprise visit on that weekend. I went to Delhi on Saturday morning. Delhi as such looks like a clean place. She picked me up from the hotel Saturday and we went around Delhi gateway, Connaught place before ending with our "Munnabhai and all Bapu theory".

My god this gal I went with, is as confused as a 'Sachin Tendulkar' in a tennis court or as a JAVA programmer writing a COBOOL program. She took me exactly in the opposite direction of her home. I thought I am the most confused individual in the whole world. I can say a 'NO' if some one asked me whether I am confused. I am that confused. It’s kind of funny no body knows the way to the “Delhi Metro”. Every where there were sign boards saying “METRO”. But I wasn’t able to see even the tracks leave alone the train. Delhi walon, is there really something called METRO running in your place?

I think moral policing is very much required now, at least in that specific park I went in Delhi. Why can’t these couples have some kind of sympathy towards poor-single-stag-not-committed-fellows like me? Damn. I really thought of sponsoring a board for that garden which says "SINGLES PRONE TO HEART ATTACK NOT ALLOWED" for the kind of scenes I saw in there. This must be the garden where people come to do all that coochy-coochy stuff. Most of them have become girl friends and boy friends without even knowing what to do after becoming one. PUN NOT INTENDED. (Dialogue Courtesy: The gal)

Not even a street dog will look at me if I go alone. The moment I am with a gal (ya pretty gal) every body looks at me. Not that they are all interested in me. Most of the guys wish we are just brothers and sisters (like I do whenever I see some pretty gal and a guy). Some of them think what has this guy got which I lack. Gals - I don’t know what they think. Most of them are too complex. I read this sometime back. There was a saint who did a lot of puja for god to appear and ask him some wish. The god did appear and asked him what he had wanted. He said I would like to have a bridge between the city of London and New York. God terrified hearing his wish said "Son, do you know how much of an effort, materials and money that would involve. I think it’s a little too much even for me. Can you ask something else?". The poor saint said "Ok. Then give me the ability to understand women". God thought for a while and asked the saint "Is it a four lane or a eight lane the bridge you had wanted." LOL

I know Delhi people are rude but I didn’t know that they can be this bad. I had asked a guy to take a pic of us. And I couldn’t believe that he told me a NO. I don’t know why people can’t do a simple click. It was so embarrassing for me when he told a NO. But still I think I got used to 'NO' in my life. The list of people who said/say/will-say a NO to me are endless:
Mumbai taxi wallas
My colleague whenever I ask him "cud we/(mostly I) leave for the day?"
When I ask my boss for a vacation
and ya almost all gals in my life. :-)

I was literally singing "Ek baar aaja aaja" there before I got someone to click for me. Finally we just had some nice conversation (LOL) b4 I started back to MUMBAI.



CODEWORD: "I".
P.S: This post is dedicated to HER.